I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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