Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.

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(417): View more from Missouri

My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to

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(443): View more from Maryland

dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Why is there a cash register on top of my car?

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(443): View more from Maryland

if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.

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