I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Randomize
