take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
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