i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
he shaved USA in his pubs
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
