I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
