you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
