Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
