We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Panties = found
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
