my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I use my feet as sexual weapons
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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