When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
