I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
