I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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