My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
