Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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