My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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