does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Randomize
