yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
