life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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