over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
