It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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