At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
