It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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