I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
