Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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