as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
