I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
