It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
