I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
