guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
