Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
