Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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