just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
