I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
