before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
