Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
