She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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