On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
