I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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