i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
