Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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