So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
