I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Never joke about your clitoris.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
