Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
