But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
