I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
