my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
