im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
