o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Found the puke drawer
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
