Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
please come you make the beer taste better
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
